I am not and never will be sorry for cutting people out of my life.
I owe you nothing and I am not sorry if I hurt your feelings and any way or form. Because the fact of the matter is majority of you watched me lose my mind, confidence and life to PTSD, and you chose to do nothing about it. You didn’t try to help me. I will not associate myself with people who remain mutual friends with my rapist. I can not and will not be your friend.
In addition, you did not show me any sympathy or integrity for my safety, my mind, and most importantly my life. Rape is and always will be wrong. And seeing how most of you chose ignorance, there is not enough words that can express the disgust I feel towards each and every one of you. Your behavior and words are unbelievably revolting.
The deterioration of the person I use to be is something I can’t get over.
It is at times I feel as if I’m becoming a psychopath. To never want to touch, feel, or connect with anything or anyone because I’ve have lost so much trust and hope. Other times I wish it ended that night. It has been a year since my rape, but it haunts me everyday. So don’t ever try to blame me for turning my back on ”our friendship” when you turned your back first. Don’t ever tell me you understand, when clearly don’t experience the day to day symptoms. Don’t tell me to get over it. Don’t victim blame me. Don’t you even dare.
I feel so hopeless sometimes. The memories of my sexual assault come flooding back in and it completely destroys me. All the emotions of shame, betrayal, disappointment, anger, come back to remind me of the pain and I feel worthless. Sometimes I feel like I can’t handle it. I wish I could chase away all the flashbacks and the fear of living. I hate having PTSD and not being able to talk about it because of how people treat me when I bring it up. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hate feeling like I have no control of my life.